Martins "After Life" Experience!!
While vacationing on a ranch, Paul Martin gets
thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies
because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too
understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and
he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom
see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a
believer." says Martin.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have
orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in
Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll
live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to
be in Heaven," replied Martin".
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And
with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down,
down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the
temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful
Standing in front of it is his Dad, and thousands
of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years---Pierre
Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc. The whole of the
"Left" was there, everyone laughing, happy, and casually
but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and
reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense
of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and
then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty
drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a
pledge," says Martin, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all
you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Martin takes the drink and finds himself liking
the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells
funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of
like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having
such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as
Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven
again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit
Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a
bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company,
talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently.
Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country
clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster.
And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and
he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to
himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says,
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now
choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the
background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well,
I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been
delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the
elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth
covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like
Sudbury. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags
and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands
black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm
around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked
Martin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a
clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We lazed
around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and everybody looks miserable!".
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs,
"Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
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